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| Apparently I'm a lot more sympathetic than I ever thought I would be. There aren't many situations I've been in where I've been able to truly feel for the person next to me, to understand what they're going through and be able (or, hey, want) to help them out. With my close friends, yes, there have been times when I have felt that feeling of, "it's right to do this, to say this, to comfort them in this manner. I know what they're going through, I can relate, and I want to help them." Unfortunately, it doesn't come around very often. I'm not much of an empath, though I'd like to be it's just hard for me to not only pick up on feelings but be able to help when people are in a particular mood. I'm not proud of it, but I can't change it, and I've come to terms that when I need to feel something for the sake of caring about people, I do. But that's it.
Today I had one of those strange, strange empathetic days. Possibly because the person I was trying to feel for is someone I truly do care for, no matter how complicated and fucked up things are, I believe this person is an important part of my life and I like to be able to be there for them. Especially now, because they need it, they need comfort and support and I would like to be able to be the one to give it to them... or at least try. So today, for most the night, I spent a good portion of my time first worrying, then moping, then crying over the fact that I (a) cannot do anything about what is going on (b) don't know how to act anymore and (c) am truly, honest to god scared for this person and what's going to happen with them. So I'm trying to be sympathetic, I'm trying to feel and be the kind of friend I should be, considering they are my best friend. But it's difficult, that empathy is not easy for me to feel, it's not easy for me to cope with. It leaves me feeling tired and exhausted, worn out and like I've done everything wrong; I can't do anything right. That's not something I usually feel, so being defeated and scared is terrifying to me, it's something I hate, and I wish I could avoid this at all costs. But I can't now, more than ever, because as stated before I care about so-and-so, I worry, I really want them to be okay. My empathy is almost at an unnatural level and it hurts... it really hurts.
The pain is caused mostly by the realization brought on by my beautiful friend, my beautiful, caring friend that would rather see me hurt than happy, or so it appears to be that way. To make it more and more obvious every day that she thinks that what I want will never happen, the fact that every day I am told that no matter what I do, there is no way he'll settle down with me.. especially now that he's getting what he wants.. there's no reason to play the "more" card. I care so deeply about someone but there is no interest in furthering anything in our friendship, partly because of their own problems and partly because of who I am, and where we are. I will, essentially, never be worthy enough to be the person they need me to be, to hold them together and hold the idea of a relationship together. I am no longer deliriously thinking that it could happen, because I believe where we are now is the plateau of this relationship. I will continue doing things I hate, doing things I know I shouldn't do, in order to hope that I could just get a little further. It's brought me this far, so I don't understand how I could stop now.
The last sentence makes me feel like my strength is waving; am I becoming less and less stable as a person as I give more and more of myself up to the empty idea of a relationship with someone that I do love? Am I losing little pieces of myself in order to gain flair that may, one day, bring me happiness, but only if I sit through more and more nights of loneliness, of being brokenhearted? The one thing I don't want to sacrifice is the strength that I have gained in 22 years of existence -- it was painful to bring myself to the point of where I am now, and I hardly will allow myself to bring that down due to something that in no way will last forever. I will not compromise strength for what will end in heartbreak.
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Now playing: The Matches - Shoot Me In the Smile (Acoustic)
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| Here's a good question for you: What's the point of a six day engagement? It blows my mind to know that I'm going to have a married friend now. We're really to that age where we're going to be able to do those things, to settle down with one person and believe that it's going to be for the rest of our happy little times. I don't mean to sound so cynical on the subject of relationships, but I guess I'm a little old fashion to believe you should date someone for at least a full year before you take another step. And, even after that dating period, maybe you should live together before you decide to get married. Just so you know exactly what you're getting into before hand. People change a lot when you're in close quarters with them, you often see them for what they really are. It's just safer to make sure that it's all going to be okay before you sign that little piece of paper that basically says "my life meant nothing until you shared your toothbrush with me, lets file for joint taxes!"
What's the rush? Is he going to grow so tall that you won't be able to talk to him anymore? Do you have to get married before 2012 when the world combusts and civilization as we know it ends? I honestly just don't understand the point of running off and getting married when we're 21, 22 years old. I can see being engaged, I guess, but at least wait a few years. I know miss manners says you're not really engaged until you've set the date, but you can set a date far off and plan for that! That's what you're suppose to do! Doesn't it take at least a year to plan a proper wedding? I've heard that before! Allow yourself time to go through with things so they're not rushed, and allow each other time to rethink the damn thing! Call me ridiculous but I just don't see the point of running off at such a early age and getting married. We have the rest of our lives (theoretically) to do these kind of things, why tie yourselves down so soon! This isn't the middle ages where living until 35 is a god damn miracle, we have forever to do these kind of things.
I guess I'm just a firm believer in being young. Maybe being married young is for some people, maybe it's a big myth about getting married young and failing horribly is a big lie, a wives' tale told to scare people out of what my friends are doing. Maybe it's the right thing to do, but it's something I'll never understand. I'm still 11 years old at heart, I can't imagine being married even to the guy that I'm completely in love with. One day.. maybe years and years off, but even then, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I love someone. I know it, that's enough for me.
Best wishes, Maggie. And congratulations, Sam. I may not understand it, not even a little, but I wish you all the luck in the world.
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Now playing: Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out
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| My default setting on most things is skepticism. Being a journalist, I try to be open minded about most things, about situations and people, because if you are close minded going into a piece it's going to turn into nothing but your ideals and feelings, and nobody gives a shit about that, journalism is suppose to be more to me. So I can be open minded in that sense. In the sense of accepting people for who they are, I can do that, too. I'm not prejudice, I'm not racist, I'm not sexist or afraid of people that are different than I am - in fact, I am intrigued by those people. I gravitate towards people who are unique in their own way, that can show me new things, if you're different, I think you're wonderful for being able to do that in a world of uniformity. The skepticism in my life comes in right at the place when most people start to close up.
When it comes to relationships, I really have nothing but negative thoughts attached to them. My relationship status has never been stable. I have trouble letting people in, I have trouble opening up and trusting people. I'm always on-again-off-again with different people, I love being in a relationship but I am always two damn scared to actually go through with anything for more than a few weeks or months. The reasons? For one, the trust issue. I have had a lot of trust issues in my life when it comes to being with people, so many, actually, that I'm now just like everyone else that has "problems" in this area. I can't trust people, even when I want to. Even when they prove themselves to me, I still always have a doubt in the back of my mind that somewhere, honesty is missing or something is not right. The second problem, almost the bigger of the two, is that I never believe something can last forever. I don't believe in forever when it comes to being with someone, I believe that everyone in my life with inevitably, in some way or another, end up breaking my heart and leaving me for something better. That reason alone is enough to keep me out of relationships. I can deal with the trust issues, they are workable, but the mere fact that I know that everyone I love will some day leave me or die is enough to scare the rest of the want out of me. I figure, if I stay out of serious relationships, then I cut out the gist of the pain. I meet someone, I like someone. I fall for someone, we live happily for months (or worse, years) before things slowly deteriorate to the point of being painfully awkward and awful. Falling out occurs, and heartbreak is the end result. I look at my parents and see this every day. I look at the past boyfriends who have made me feel like I could die and I see it. I look at my friends who have found their soul mate (or whatever) and think "Aw, Jesus, if they knew how lucky they are. If I could be that lucky!" I think of my grandparents who were married for 66 years before my grandpa died and my grandma only lived two years without him, and I think the same thing... that there is such thing as forever. Just not in my case, just not for me. When I look at the person I care about, all I can think is that one day, he'll do better, he'll grow tired of me and I'll be left falling apart, feeling that awful feeling. Except this time, it will be amplified by the amount of love I feel for him. First loves are intense, and if that is what this is, first heartbreaks are going to be killer.
So what do I do? Do I drop and run, do I do what I would always do in this situation and bolt before I get too involved? Skip the middle, kid, just get out as fast as you can. That'll hurt, but it'll hurt a lot less now than it will when he gets tired of you! That's what my mind says, but I cannot bear to pull back. I'm left with the classic conundrum of stick it out until the bitter end or just end it prematurely. But since, for once, I can't back myself out of this one... I solider through. I have to now, I have no choice now that I've let myself go too much already. It's so cliche to be stuck in this situation. Anytime I think of "it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all" I automatically think, instead, of the Marx Brothers version (it's better to have loft and lost than to have never loft at all) because I can't be serious when thinking about love. Because if I let myself be serious, if I let myself go in 100%, it will all blow up in my face, right? What gives me the nerve to think that I could be one of those people, that I could be like my best friend who found her "one," or like my grandparents who found each other and were together forever? Nothing gives me the right, instead I just have to hope, pray, wish on ever shooting star and 11:11 that he's not going to get tired of me, that he won't stop loving me, that all the "someone better"'s will just stay away from him. If I can't have forever, can I just have close to it with minimal heartbreak? I at least deserve that.
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Now playing: Oasis - Born On A Different Cloud
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| You know what? This is fucking bullshit, this is the biggest load of crap that I've ever experienced and I can't believe I fell for your sad, pathetic self and all that it entails. This is so SO fucked up and I'm so, so out of here. It's sad that it took me this long to realize what needed to be done but now I know, now I get it. I know I've said that before but this is basically the final straw. You shouldn't have done anything that you didn't want to do, and I know that you felt like you had to prove something to me but you don't need to do that anymore, because we're no longer in this situation. This is so, so incredibly fucked up and I don't want to have any part in this anymore. This is the second time tonight that I've been so mad that I can feel my heart beating literally against my chest, it's that kind of rage that I only reserve for someone that really deserves it and someone I really detest, and though it should be her, it is completely and 100% directed at you right now. Fuck off, just go fuck yourself and get over your sad sorry life. I'm sorry that things can't play out the way that they were suppose to but maybe if you manned up a little bit we wouldn't be having this problem right now. You should have had the balls to do this a long, long time ago and now that it's happened to late I know you're going to be sorry, and I'm going to feel bad but this is what I need to do right now. I need to get away from you, I don't need to have any part of you in my life anymore. I can't deal with you and your freaking tendencies, they're going to drive me mad. You lied to her for months and months and I don't know why I thought I could trust you too but it's pretty obvious that I can't. All my trust issues, you're not helping them by just flat out lying to me about shit that I would eventually find out about anyway. If everything means so fucking much to you then you should have figured that out a long time ago and acted on it because you've waited too long, and though things should be fine now they no longer are. This is over, this is it, we're done here. I'm sorry that you had to pick one of us and you obviously picked the wrong one but now it's a little late to go back over that and I'm sorry things are going to suck for a long time now but once again, something you should have thought about. Why did I let myself get into this so much? I have no idea, I don't know why I let myself put up with it for so long but now I'm done, because I can't trust you and you've proved to me that you're just like everyone else. Even if you weren't, you wouldn't be able to put up with me long enough to make something out of this relationship so I'm just going to bail while we still have some sort of civility in tact and get the hell away from this shithole place.
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Now playing: The Forces Of Evil - Worst Day
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